Herr Kommandant! I beg to report that the prisoners are all present and
Ah Schultz, never mind ...
Prisoners ... welcome to WebStalag 13. I'm Col. Wilhelm Klink, the Kommandant. You have just entered the toughest POW camp in the whole Internet. We have not had a successful escape, which is a remarkable achievement unmatched by any other WebStalag. So I would advise that you don't even think about escaping. I'm sure Col. Hogan has advised you to tell me only your name, ISP and web browser version number, so I won't even bother asking.
Now I'll acquaint all of you new prisoners with the camp, which will be your home for the duration.
- Kommandant's Office - Here you will find Fraulein Helga and Fraulein Hilda helping keep the camp operations in order. I don't know how they get them, but both mädchen always seem to have a lot of chocolate and new nylons. I wonder where they get them?
- Camp Archives - This area gives you some information about some of the events that have happened to the camp in the past. This area is run by Col. Hogan for prisoners only, so I don't know what's in there. I am sure that you will find it interesting reading.
- Barracks - This area acquaints you with the personnel at the camp, as well as some of the people we have encountered in the past. It's run by the prisoner Carter.
- Library - This area contains some interesting fictional reading involving the prisoners here at this camp. I've read some of it and I must say they must be wishful thinking - escape and sabotage by my prisoners. Indeed! This area is run by Kinchloe and Baker. (You know, I've never seen these two at the same time ... I wonder if this is something I should look into?)
- Rec Hall - This area contains a hodge-podge of entertainment, such as pictures, sound recordings, and possibly some links to other web-stalags out there. Cpl. Peter Newkirk is the person you should talk to about this area. Better be careful if you get into a card game with him, I've heard that he's got a few tricks, among other things, up his sleeve.
- Kantine - This area is run by the little cockroach, Louis LeBeau and one of my guards, Sgt. Hans Schultz. LeBeau fancies himself a good cook, and if he's the one feeding Sgt. Schultz, then there must be some good stuff in there.
So please enjoy your stay - you have no choice. Remember, no one has successfully escaped from WebStalag 13, so you will be here for a long time. If you have any questions, please visit the Hogan's Heroes FAQ before coming to my office. Both Fraulein Helga and Fraulein Hilda are very busy.
(What? Oh, yes, yes, of course. Heil Hitler.)
Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Kommandant